


Amai, dat is duur

by orphan_account



Series: Robbe and Sander getting on with it [2]
Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Canon, Dansvoorstelling, Emotional Turmoil, Fluff, M/M, No action just fluff, flufftastic, sander pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-18 18:37:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21281390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: How much of your life are you willing to sell to buy one person's love?Sander doesn't know whether Robbe is serious about them. They are back in Antwerp but he has no number and doesn't know if he will ever see him again.
Relationships: Robbe Ijzermans/Sander Driesen, Robbe/Sander, Robber IJzermans/Sander
Series: Robbe and Sander getting on with it [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1537516
Comments: 4
Kudos: 142





	Amai, dat is duur

Sometimes, things are so good that it’s hard to remember them in detail, appearing as bright flashes in our memories that seem to come from dreams. Lying on his bed and thinking of the week that had just passed, Sander could clearly see the drawn out afternoons on the beach and the long evenings by the campfire, sometimes coloured with well drawn mental sketches of Robbe or fights with Britt. But recalling the details of what had started and finished his week was hard, as he tried to look back on them and remember exactly what happened he was blinded by those joyous minutes spent with Robbe.  
  
And now back home in Antwerp, he wished he had tried harder to hold on to those moments which felt so far away now. He wished he could re-live them and this time make notes or film it so they could be with him tangibly instead of in his fickle memory. But it wasn’t like that and now, just over a week after they set off, he was back in his room, just the same as before but in the shadow of this beacon of happiness and hope to which he now clung.  
  
The memory of Robbe felt even more unreal since he had now no contact with him back in the everyday world. They had both held back during the trip, each not wanting to let the other know he liked him - Sander thought he had come over too strong, and Robbe, Sander realised as he was driving back, didn’t believe it could be true. So they had barely talked, and when they did, it was nothing important, or Sander chatted some nonsense while Robbe meekly smiled (which Sander took to be a sign of boredom at the time but must have just been his bashful crush). Then suddenly, it was all true, and there was Robbe telling him he liked him back. But then, even more suddenly, it was all over, the moment broken, and with the bustle of tidying and packing they hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye, not properly. Sander couldn’t bear to stay so close and yet so far from him so at the next opportunity bundled Britt into the car and took them both back to Antwerp.  
  
But he wished he could have stayed and had the courage to ask for his number. Not doubting again, or waiting for Robbe to make a move. Sander was pretty sure he liked him now, but he could see that it would be a while before Robbe would have the confidence to stand up to someone like Britt. And the whole way back home, he had fought the urge to turn the car around and go back to him.  
  
Because now, he was alone with his memories, and that was all he had of the boy that for a few days had lit up his world. He had seen Robbe around before, but getting to know him had been even better than Sander had dared hope. Of course, he had found his Instagram, but something told him not to follow him, not to arouse people’s suspicions. He had enough trouble with Britt as it was.  
  
For a long time, Sander had not known why he and Britt weren’t getting on anymore. They had got together after meeting at a drinks reception at the arts school where he and Noor were both exhibiting at the end of year showcase. He didn’t know Noor very well but took the moment to speak to Britt when she was alone inspecting one of his prints. They had chatted so easily for what seemed like hours, and Britt got him invited to the afterparty at Noor’s place, and everything flowed so naturally into them being together. For a while, everything had been great, and they spent the summer hanging around together, alone or with friends, and having a lot of sex. But as the summer waned, it was more and more just about the sex, and they found they had less and less to talk about in between. It was like they knew each other now, which was comfortable, but there was nothing stimulating conversation between them. They knew each other, but weren’t excited by that fact anymore. Both of them felt resentment towards the other for their relationship not being as exciting as it used to be and frustration that neither of them could find that elusive, inner part of the other where their soul lived and which would have loved to be loved. So they bickered and wound each other up because they knew just how to do it, trying to provoke each other into passion or anger or something - though everything was still technically good, it was emotionless.  
  
Sander didn’t know what to do. He was very fond of her, but fondness wasn’t enough to keep them together anymore. Britt, he thought, seemed determined to fix it by just acting normal, seeming to hope a kind of cosy domesticity would settle over them, and invited him round for dinner with her parents before they left. Of course, this was making things incredibly hard for Sander and he felt himself being dragged deeper into this thing with any easy ways out gradually getting further out of reach. He hadn’t minded this and would have been happy to keep it up, just for the sake of having someone there. Until he met Robbe, and everything seemed so fake now, and he had never wanted anyone so much before. But they were apart again, he had gone back to his life, and Sander to his. No number, just these memories. And that was the end.  
  
Sander couldn’t believe that Robbe hadn’t meant what he said by the bins that morning._ I’m sure you’ll find someone who will love you. For example, on a beach trip with strangers._ But he wished he had some proof of it nevertheless.  
  
Sander lay there on his bed for hours, idly sketching while these thoughts went round his head like a dog chasing its tail. The weekend was cold but the sun shone clear over the city and gave his room in the attic of the house a cosy glow. Eventually, he got up, stretched, put some music on and looked out of his skylight window at the sun-gilt rooftops and tried to imagine Robbe somewhere in the landscape. He heaved a sigh as he thought of Britt coming over later and all of a sudden couldn’t face it. He would rather be alone with memories of someone than with the mundane reality of his girlfriend. Reaching for his phone, he sent a message cancelling on her before he could think of an excuse. _Sorry babe busy tonight can’t make dinner._ Then as an afterthought sent a follow up: _Not feeling great._ This wasn’t necessarily true in the sense in which Sander hoped Britt might understand it. He had been feeling OK but for better or for worse Britt was very concerned about his mental health.  
  
A text came in nearly instantly. _Ok babe fine but can’t say i’m not disappointed. Was thinking we could head out with Noor and Robbe x._ Instantly Sander cursed himself for his snap decision as he read Robbe’s name. But he realised he had made the right decision when he remembered how to everyone else, they were strangers, and he couldn’t count on himself not to do something stupid. Another text flashed. _It’s ok u can see them at the dance showcase on tues. I know you can’t wait ;) you still good to take me?_ Sander couldn’t get out of this one and he wasn’t sure he wanted to. There’ll be lots of other people and friends there he could talk to to avoid him. _Course babe c u then xxx_  
  
—  
  
Tuesday came around slower than usual. Sander had begun to even look forward to the dansvoorstelling, his longing to see Robbe getting the better of his sense. After college, Sander walked all the way over to Britt’s place as the day turned to dusk and the cold wind blew out towards the sea. He wondered idly whether the same breeze that ruffled his platinum blonde hair had also blown through Robbe’s, then chuckled. He kept catching himself having these ridiculous romantic thoughts recently.  
  
Britt was as ever annoyed with Sander’s lateness but he couldn’t bring himself to say he hadn’t caught the tram on purpose. Instead he sat in her fairy-lit bedroom and tried his hardest to be patient with her and say all the right things about her outfit, though that stopped working when he didn’t notice she’d changed dress. He made her some pasta as her parents were out, and she could tell she was trying to be nice too as she didn’t make any comments about it at all, although Sander could tell, even by his standards of cooking, this was one of his more… inventive dishes. They were talking too, over some red wine, about Sander’s friends who were performing. Before long they were on the tram heading for college, and Britt had only mentioned twice about how they were going to be late. They really were on their best behaviour, and Sander was feeling hopeful about their future. This, instead of Robbe, can’t be all that bad. He briefly thought _can’t be much worse_ but then mentally crossed that out.  
  
They _were_ a little late, but they still hadn’t finished letting all the people into the college auditorium when they arrived. They dashed up the broad steps and through the glass doors into the lofty, white and starkly lit reception area, where tables were being laid by younger students with glasses for the interval drinks. They dropped to a brisk walk straight ahead to the far end of the hall where two doors either side of a staircase were letting the final stragglers into the auditorium, and they picked up a programme each and ducked inside. It took a moment to adjust to the dark space with its black carpet and rusty red seats, and when Britt said, “There they are,” Sander couldn’t make out where she was pointing, but followed her as the walked among the seated guests, and he saw what she meant. Well, Britt saw her friend turned towards her waving and gesticulating to two seats she had reserved next to her. But Sander’s eyes snapped to the person sitting on the other side of her, whose tousled and ever so slightly too long mousy brown hair he would know anywhere. But he was looking at his phone. _The phone he texts people from,_ Sander thought for a moment, and as they shuffled down the row to sit next to Noor, Sander reached inside his leather jacked for his pencil and notebook which he took everywhere, and wrote something down before Britt could see.  
  
Britt didn’t greet Robbe so neither could Sander. He was glad to be sitting on the right of Britt so that when he looked over to her he could glimpse him just on the other side of Noor. Yes, he was aware he was acting like a teenager with some stupid crush. But then again, that’s what he was. Sander was about to lean over and say hello to Noor when the lights came down and a hush descended on the audience. Sander took a glance at the programme by the light of his phone and saw that his friends were on in the second half, so as the smoke machine got to work, he zoned out and imagined what his own dance routine would be, and lost in such thoughts and clapping along at the right moments he was surprised when the lights came up and realised it was the interval already.  
  
Britt ushered him to get up and they edged themselves out of the theatre with the rest of the imperceptibly slowly moving crowd. Behind him, Britt was talking to Noor about their favourite acts and he waited for them when they emerged into the reception hall so they could walk together. The girls barely acknowledged him but walking behind them was Robbe, feeling sleepy, which brought a brooding look to his face that made him almost irresistible. But Sander had to resist.  
  
“Hey,” he smiled directly into Robbe’s hooded eyes. And there it was again, flooding back, the electricity he had felt between them all week that he thought he had started to forget about. Robbe smiled his bashful smile that stretched his lips wide and murmured a _hey_ in reply, not breaking the eye contact. Sander had an impulse to finish what they had started on Friday morning and kiss every millimetre of that stupidly cute mouth, and sent a private grin back in return. So it had all been real. Things slotted into place in Sander’s mind, the world re-arranged itself. Here they were, the two of them. The ties to everyone else slackened and he felt a pull towards this boy whom he had met only a week and a half ago but whom he felt he had known forever.  
  
In a flash, the moment was over and they followed their girlfriends towards the drinks table. Sander wanted so much to talk to him again, but didn’t know what to say. After a moment, he snatched a breath and began a “How are you?” at the exact time Robbe did the same.  
  
They glanced at each other and smiled once more. “After you,” said Sander as they continued walking on.  
  
“I just was going to say, how are you?” Robbe turned back to look ahead of them. Sander could feel the unanswered question of their almost kiss hanging between them.  
  
“I’m alright thanks, yeah. Drink?” They had reached the drinks table where Noor and Britt had stopped and where holding glasses of fizz. “Sure,” said Robbe, taking the glass Sander offered him, making sure their fingers didn’t touch. Sander looked into his crush’s face and was just in time to see his expression change to an angry frown. He tutted, rolled his eyes and let out a sigh.  
  
Noor had noticed this. “What is it, Robbe?” she asked, frowning into his face before looking over her shoulder at the glass doors which were letting in the cool dark night air. There, loudly swaggering in like everyone had been waiting for them, were Jens, Moyo and Aaron. She looked back at her boyfriend, confused as to why he should be annoyed at seeing his best mates. But Sander understood, and looking straight ahead at Britt and with his usual deadpan delivery, said, “I’m going for a smoke.”  
  
Britt said, “Fine,” almost unkindly, and Sander turned to go. But not before looking at Robbe, and asking with that face that people could interpret as emotionless or disinterested, “Wanna come?” But this was just how Sander was. Inside he desperately wanted to get Robbe alone, and the boys turning up had given him the perfect opportunity to do it. Robbe for his part knew how to play the nonchalance card too, and simply let out an “OK” and moved to follow Sander.  
  
“Hey, don’t you want to say hi to your friends?” asked Britt, and Sander instinctively cursed her for whatever she might know, or might guess. But he had forgotten Robbe was on his side now. “No, it’s ok, I’ll see them inside.” Sander felt a little thrill inside as he picked a way out among the gathered people in the opposite direction from which the boys had entered, leading back toward the auditorium. There was a door on the right as they approached marked “Courtyard” and it was through here he led the way into a small throng, a handful of other smokers. It wasn’t very big and dimly lit, and seemed more to be a forgotten square where a room ought to be than a planned out courtyard. But here, in the wisps of smoke, they could talk, they could breathe.  
  
Sander followed as Robbe walked down the side of the courtyard alongside the auditorium, passing under the drop-down lights, stopped in a patch of shadow and leant against the rough red brick wall. Then he turned back to look at Sander, who instinctively found his deep brown eyes even there in the dark.  
  
“Thanks for that in there.” Robbe knew that Sander had done it for him and felt a rush of emotion towards him, protective of them and of this magical boy. “You probably got that I didn’t really want to see them right now.”  
  
Robbe put his glass of bubbles down on the ground and fished in his jacket for his tobacco but Sander stopped him, for a moment putting his fingers on the sleeve of his brown jacket, and wishing they could linger. “It’s ok. Let’s share this.” Out of an old box of cigarettes he pulled out a spliff he had rolled on the way to Britt’s, just in case.  
  
“Thanks,” Robbe coughed, putting pouch back, and Sander pulled out a lighter. “Here, let me,” and their hands finally touched as Robbe took the lighter. Sander put the spliff into his mouth and dared not move as Robbe leant in and cupped his hand round the flame, oh so near Sander’s face. Sander didn’t know what to think or feel apart from the closeness of the two of them, and a thought about where this was going crossed his mind which he put off as looked up to Robbe’s eyes, which were cast down but which blinked upwards just as Sander did the same. That was their secret dance that they did, looking into one another like that, and they both knew the steps and exactly when each move was coming. The fire caught and Sander took a drag, leaning against the wall on his shoulder next to Robbe.  
  
Sander let them not say anything for a moment or two. Though there were plenty of people there and noises from the traffic outside, the only thing he could hear was Robbe and what he was saying by not saying anything just yet. Sander didn’t need to prattle on now. It was Robbe’s turn to take a drag and he sighed it out gratefully.  
  
“I wish they would talk to me sometimes, you know.” Sander didn’t push but waited for what Robbe wanted to say. “I just feel… I don’t know. It’s like they don’t know me.” Not wanting to say something empty, Sander didn’t say anything as Robbe smoked again. He hoped he could feel him listening, understanding, waiting. “At the beach… I wanted to be able to let go… but I felt like they could have all forgotten about me. I wasn’t any fun… they didn’t want me.”  
  
Sander felt a warmth rising to his chest. He had resented those boys and their clownish behaviour and they way they had made Robbe snap that evening. But now it was anger. These are supposed to be his best friends, and they weren’t supporting him. “I can see that.” They always seemed to be able to talk about the most complex stuff, these two, without any misunderstanding, not needing to say too much but intuitively following each other’s thoughts.  
  
“I guess I just felt… like I had nobody left.” Robbe picked up his drink. Sander could see him fuelling himself for something big. But he wanted to hear, and Sander expected no one had listened to him for some time now. If he could be there for someone who already had brought so much to him, it was all he could ask for. Robbe began again, looking up from the ground to where the stars ought to have been, behind the light of the city. “I had nobody. My mum was gone inside herself, my dad - well, I don’t think I could ever be further from him. I thought I had Jens but he has better things on his mind. He and Moyo are here for the “chickies” tonight, did you know that? And they have Aaron now who seems to have replaced me… maybe because I’ve given up thinking with my dick.” And despite himself, he smiled a bit. Sander’s eyes had not left Robbe’s mouth, but dropped now as he took a step forward to accept the proffered spliff with his free hand. He was about as close as he could be to Robbe without looking weird to the other smokers, some of whom he recognised as classmates and their parents as he scanned round for the first time, his eyes having adjusted to the low light. He looked back to Robbe, who now looked up into his eyes and held his gaze. Sander noticed he did this when he was trying to tell him something. Something about how he felt. He wished he had a croque he could feed him.  
  
“And then there was you, of course. I thought I had found you only for you to be lost before we had even begun.” Sander felt a wave of tender affection for this fragile boy crash into his chest. _No wonder he couldn’t bring himself to speak to me after Saturday. He must have felt it as soon as I did._ That instant connection, the intuition of someone. And the way Sander felt when Robbe was around, not least to say the desire that burnt him up looking at him. Robbe had felt that too. And it broke Sander’s heart that Robbe should have thought he was alone in this, that he felt that Sander was not there for him.  
  
“Robbe,” Sander begun, not quite knowing how to articulate everything. Then, lowering his eyes from Robbe’s, he put the spliff behind his ear, which had slowly burnt out while they had been talking. Then he took a drink from the prosecco and let his free left hand graze down Robbe’s right arm. He glimpsed Robbe involuntarily lick his lips, another thing Sander had noticed him do. If he could kiss him now, he would.  
  
Robbe looked down too as Sander looked away, trying to look casual in front of his classmates. But there in the dark, below the reach of the lights, his fingers found Robbe’s, and gently they laced themselves around each other. Sander took a gulp as his heart grew warm and took another tiny step towards Robbe. He flashed a smile and leant back, taking in the moment. On that cold night, with so many people swarming around them, they had found each other, like a river finding the sea. And they held each other’s hands then, finishing what that had so nearly started on Friday and starting something that would not finish for a long, long time. Their thumbs ran over one another like burning ice, tracing shapes for the first time that they would come to know very well.  
  
The bell rang for the start of the second half and snapped the two dreamers out of their peaceful reverie. Robbe broke away and looked up at Sander, who missed his touch immediately. “We’d better go in, Noor will be wondering where I am.” Robbe mumbled, almost apologetically.  
  
Sander smiled and then remembered something. He hadn’t wanted to give it to Robbe in case he had just imagined it all, but he decided to risk it now. “By the way, you forgot something on Friday.”  
  
An amused smile danced across his lips as he tried to remember what he might have left behind. “I did?”  
  
“Yeah, you left it by the bins.” Sander reached into his inner jacket pocket and pulled out his notebook. He found what he had written an hour ago, ripped the page out and gave it to Robbe, whose face flooded with realisation. But suddenly Sander felt so vulnerable. He knew what they had just had, but he could not escape the fact that these were two boys who had girlfriends and their own separate, safe lives. And here he was laying himself open, and though he knew Robbe liked him back, how far he was willing to go he didn’t know. Sander felt he could throw everything off in an instant, but with Robbe he needed to be patient. Maybe nothing would ever happen, and this is all it would be.  
  
Feeling suddenly nervous, he slipped his unreadable face back on. “See you in there,” he said, and turned to go. Before he could change his mind he had reached the courtyard door where people had begun filing out. He joined the throng, and just before slipping out, took one last look again at Robbe, who was standing, backlit by the light, once more watching him go.  
  
Sander saw Britt and Noor across the hall where they were standing waiting to get back into the auditorium. He elbowed his way through and came up to them, greeted them, answered their questions. He can’t have really been listening cause his mind was somewhere else. Britt complained of him smelling of smoke. He didn’t care. His head in a daze, they went inside, where Sander remembered his friends performing. He would have to go and greet them after backstage, and there would probably be a party after. He wouldn’t have a chance to say goodbye to Robbe.  
  
Suddenly panicking, he excused himself from the group and went around the corner to the toilets. He locked himself in a cubicle for a couple of minutes before going to splash some water on his face. In the harsh light he his reflection stared back at him, scared. Maybe he was scared. He didn’t know what was going to happen. He felt so sure of things with Robbe sometimes, but he didn’t know if Robbe felt sure about him. And if he didn’t, what would he do?  
  
One final deep breath in and Sander headed back to where they were sitting. The place was full now and he saw Robbe with Noor and Britt sitting where they had earlier. None of them looked up to greet him as he took his seat beside them, but that was OK, the thought. He got his programme out from his pocket to see who was on first. That’s OK. This is what we’re here for. And a buzz from his pocket, a text, that’s good that will be interesting. Calm down.  
  
Sander pulled his phone out from his pocket to see a text from an unknown number, and relief rinsed his body from panic. It had just three words but in that moment it might have been the best text he had ever received.  
  
_Tomorrow after school?_  
  
He couldn’t bring himself to look along to the boy he knew sent it. He licked his lips. This whole thing suddenly wasn’t so hypothetical any more.


End file.
